79/365 “Live and create. Live to the point of tears.” Albert Camus



I often ask myself would life be easier if I was less emotional? I am so highly sensitive that everyday life is sometimes like surfing a wave through an ocean of feelings (although not having ever surfed in real life, I wouldn’t really know!) I seem to absorb and take in information every second of every day, asleep or awake. And not just the “usual” forms of information and communication like spoken or written words, but everything from weather patterns, general atmospheres, film and TV plots, and people’s thoughts and feelings. 


Especially the last one. Whether you call it telepathy, being psychic, emotional intelligence, or just super observant, it doesn’t always have a rational explanation but for me it does exist. I can walk into a room / office, pick up a phone and before anyone has spoken or even looked at me, I can feel just what is going on and how people are feeling. I can meet someone for the first time, and feel who they are and what they are about. (not always) It’s a blessing and a curse. 


I sometimes feel like I know too much about people, and in fact, somehow this ability to tap in to how someone is feeling is felt by other people, even strangers or people I have just met. I seem to give off an energy that encourages people within minutes sometimes of meeting me to start telling me their secrets, fears, hopes, worries, things they have told very few people before. Again sometimes this is a real compliment, and I love meeting people and finding out how they work, what motivates them, what they want in life, so I feel complimented that people do confide in me. 


Sometimes of course its just all too much, too much information from too many people and multiple sources all at once. In addition to this, I “wear my heart on my sleeve” as the saying goes, so on top of having such a sensitive emotional radar, I also then show exactly how I am feeling. I have this delusion that I am really good at acting and no one can see how I really feel! That’s sometimes true for people that don’t know me that well, but actually even that is rare, and for people who know me well, they can read me like a book! 


So it’s no wonder that sometimes at the end of the day all I want is silence and a chance to “re program” my mind back to “me” and get rid of everything else I have taken in and been affected by that day. I already know the answer to the question I started this blog with by the way, as there was a period of my recent life, a few years in fact, where I did shut down this sensitivity and my emotional self, almost completely, and in the end I felt like I was a dead person walking. Less “comfortably numb” and more just comatose. I think I even looked differently to how I do now. Coming out of that period I went to the other end of the scale and felt everything all the time and then some! Hard work for me… and VERY hard work for the people in my life. 


Now I am finding my way back to balance, I seem unable now to shut down my sensitive and emotional self (which no doubt is better for me all round, since it is who I am) BUT I work hard everyday, to step back and “observe” my mind and feelings, to understand what is going on within me and accept it, and THEN decide on my actions and words and thoughts. To differentiate between what is genuine feelings, and what is an accumulation of “stuff” from the day and other people’s emotions. Hence me being such a fan of NLP and Mindfulness Meditation, as this is not an easy process for me, and these tools prove to be the key to my continuing and hopefully successful progress on this path. 


It helps (immensely) that I have several “rocks” in my life, who love me and value (hopefully they do!) my emotional, fiery, sensitive little soul. And who withstand the extremes of my feelings calmly, and lead me back to reality. 


And so yes I guess with regard to today’s title I DO live life to the point of tears, sometimes there really ARE tears, but would I choose to be any different?? Sometimes YES! most of the time no, because being this way means I have the capability to scale the real heights of joy, love and happiness, and get SO MUCH happiness from the really little things in life, I take nothing and no one I love for granted and most of the time live life everyday in the best, most exciting and positive way I can. If there is a price for that, which is that sometimes I get so emotional and uptight, and annoy myself so much that I could scream! (let alone what I must do to other peoples more balanced state) then I guess that’s just the price I pay *angelic smile*

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